Raw comes to us live from the Cajun Dome, in Louisiana, starting off with the returning , reigning, defending Universal Champion, Brrroock Leesssnnnarrr! Here to address the WWE Universe and to address Samoa Joe, his opponent at..I still can’t believe I have to write this, at the Great Balls of Fire ppv in four weeks. Terrible name for a ppv.
Last week Joe choked out Paul Heyman in his Coquina Clutch hold, this week, Joe has to answer for his actions.
After an epic Heyman promo Samoa Joe walks out to go face to face with The Beast Incarnate, and it’s an epic showdown. Joe and Lesnar go right at it, these two titans of wrestling.
Security comes out, Brock just takes them out all too easily, Kurt Angle sends in the entire Raw locker room to break this fight up, and that just barely breaks up this titanic tussle! What a start to Monday Night Raw tonight!
Up next, Elias Samson, The Drifter is performing in the ring, singing a song talking trash about the state of Louisiana and Dean Ambrose. I’m just waiting for Ambrose to come out and interrupt this, and here he is!
Match 1-Elias Samson vs Dean Ambrose
Samson I must say has really impressed me since making his main roster debut a few weeks back, I see big things for this guy.
He’s got Ambrose right where he wants him for most of the early parts of this match, the two eventually squaring off in a slap off.
This fight goes out of the ring before too long, Ambrose hitting a Suicide Dive to the outside knocking Samson into the barricade.
Samson tries to superplex Ambrose off the top rope, but Ambrose counters with a head butt, knocking Samson to the mat.
The Miz runs out trying to cause a distraction, which nearly costs Ambrose the match, Ambrose chases The Miz outside the ring, where he uses his wife, Maryse as a shield, forcing Ambrose back into the ring, right into an attack from Samson, giving him the win.
Match Winner-Elias Samson
Back from the break it’s time for another Goldust vignette, I love this, it feels like vintage Goldust, and this could be some of his best work in years.
Backstage, Kurt Angle confronts Miz and Maryse for interrupting the match. Miz wants Ambrose suspended, or fired, but Angle says he’s not going to do anything to Ambrose, if he has a problem with Dean he has to handle it on his own. And that’s how problems are solved in the WWE!
We see a Cedric Alexander hype video right now, are they trying to bring him into the regular part of the show? Nah, it seems, it’s just to remind us of him, as we go to a Noam Dar segment in the back with him, Alexander, and the “crazy ex girlfriend ” of the WWE Universe, Alicia Fox. Setting up their match next.
Match 2-Cedric Alexander vs Noam Dar
I haven’t watched 205 Live in a while, so I’m only familiar with the parts of this feud that have been on Raw. As Dar comes out to the ring, he’s still FaceTiming with Alicia, who doesn’t let him get off the phone, and is broadcast on the Titantron as well, hilarious. It’s a quick match, Dar gets taken out in one move as he was distracted by Alicia.
Match Winner-Cedric Alexander
Match Grade-D It was short but unique and kind of funny, so it gets a barely passing grade from me.
Bray Wyatt gets a typically cryptic promo up next. Seems they still haven’t edited Bray’s entrance video yet, as it’s still very filled with Randy Orton imagery, though that story is long since over, and Randy has his own problems to deal with on Smackdown Live.
He cuts a promo on Seth Rollins. I thought he was going to feud with Finn Balor, but Rollins also works for an opponent for the Eater of Worlds.
Rollins comes out, and calls Bray a coward for always fighting from the shadows, but he dares Bray to prove him wrong, to which Bray just does his disappearing act and finishes this segment from the back.
Match 3-Kallisto vs Apollo Crews
I get that this is a feud, but I still don’t buy Apollo as a heel, even though he’s with Titus as his manager who is a heel, nothing he really does feels very bad guy like to me.
While Apollo is wrestling, Titus is trying to impress Akira Tozawa in the front row, trying to get him to sign up with the Titus brand.
Apollo Crews gets the win with a slam, and Titus pulls Tozawa in the ring with them to take a pic and Tozawa just seems confused.
Match Winner-Apollo Crews
Backstage The Miz tries to recruit his Marine 5 co-star Heath Slater to join his entourage. This offends Slater’s tag partner, Rhyno, who tells him to find a partner as they’re going to have a tag match tonight.
Alexa Bliss is out now to address the WWE Universe, complaining about how unfair it was for her to have to defend her title last week. But Nia Jax comes out to interrupt, still upset at her getting screwed out of a fair title shot last week.
Alexa tells Nia that it’s not her fault their match last week got interrupted by a DQ, it was Mickie James and Dana Brooke’s fault.
They come out now to address these claims, and Alexa tries to keep Nia on her side, but Emma comes out to get involved in this mess as well. As does Sasha Banks. Where are they going with this? I’m guessing Bayley is coming out next as well, cause why not?
Nope, no Bayley, Sasha attacks Bliss and it’s all out war in the ring as we go to break.
Match 4-Sasha Banks, Mickie James, and Dana Brooke vs Alexa Bliss, Nia Jax, and Emma
Should have figured, Kurt Angle makes like Teddy Long during the break and we have us a 6 woman tag team match playas! Holla holla holla!
Alexa leaves mid match, leaving the odds more in the favor of the faces, and tbis is over not long after as Sasha Banks hits Emma with the Banks Statement, making her tap out.
Match Winners-Sasha Banks, Mickie James, Dana Brooke
Match 5-Heath Slater and Rhyno vs The Miz and ?
It’s unknown who the partner of The Miz will be in this tag match, and it seems his partner is a guy in a teddy bear costume like in the segment last week. The Miz says this is Dean Ambrose in the suit, and I’m certain he’s right on this one.
Slater and Rhyno are dominating Miz here, then The Bear gets tagged in, well he tags himself in, hits Slater with The Bear Hug, but Rhyno breaks it up.
The Bear tags Miz back in, who then attacks The Bear, pulling off the mask to reveal, some guy who isn’t Ambrose, and Rhyno attacks him again throwing him back in the ring.
The Bear shows up in the ring too, hitting a Dirty Deeds on Rhyno, this time it is Dean Ambrose! Miz runs in fear, pushing his wife Maryse off the ropes, from where she was trying to get his attention. Miz looks shocked as his wife leaves the arena, then Dean hits a dirty deeds on The Miz, and places Slater on top of Miz to give them the victory.
Match Winners-Slater and Rhyno
Match 6-Neville vs Rich Swann
Neville wastes no time here, stomping down Rich Swann while he’s still dancing his way to the ring. He bits Swann with his submission hold, then grabs the mic, saying Austin Aries, TJP, Rich Swann…get out of my ring! As he kicks Swann out of the ring.
He then calls out Akira Tozawa, and says that he as well will kneel before Zod, I mean Neville.
Match Winner-No one
Match 7-Gallows and Anderson vs Enzo and Cass
Another non starter of a match, as once more Cass is attacked by an off screen assailant, this time we see their rivals, The Revival in the background, pretty sure it’s them doing these assaults this whole time.
Oh wow, this match is still going on, Enzo and Cass come out shaken up but ready to fight! Cass tossing Anderson all over the ring, despite being injured, then Enzo is tagged in, who doesn’t have nearly as good luck facing Anderson, who takes him out along with Luke Gallows, hitting Enzo with the Magic Killer finisher.
Match Winners-Gallows and Anderson
Post match, Enzo is about to be hit with the Magic Killer again, but is saved by The Big Show. Cass shows up in the ring, and is upset that Enzo is palling up with Big Show.
R Truth cuts his own Goldust style vignette, interesting to see where this feud goes. Backstage , Enzo asks Big Show if he was the one who attacked Cass, he says it wasn’t him, but Cass is S-A-W-F-T Sawft.
Match 8 -Hardy Boyz vs Sheamus and Cesaro
Tag Team Championship Match 2 out of 3 Falls
Quick paced match for our main event, Sheamus and Cesaro pick up the first fall in quick fashion, as the time on this show is coming to a close quickly, should have figured we wouldn’t get a 5 star classic going into this.
Sheamus still dominating Jeff, but Jeff fights his way back, he just needs to reach Matt, and he gets it, Matt and the freshly tagged in Cesaro are on fire right now.
Matt hits a Twist of Fate on Cesaro for a win, one fall left to go for the win. Matt goes for another pin but it doesn’t work.
Sheamus is back in now, hits a Brogue Kick on Matt, nearly gets this in the books but Jeff saves the match.
Another set of hot tags brings Jeff and Sheamus back into this one, nearly gets a win but Cesaro keeps this match going. Jeff hits a Swanton Bomb on Sheamus but Cesaro pulls Sheamus out of the ring.
Chaos outside the ring now as both teams are fighting each other, leading to a double count out, and Sheamus and Cesaro retain their titles.
Match Winners-Sheamus and Cesaro
Great start to the show tonight but the whole thing fell off the rails by the end, I’ve seen better Raws by far, and there have been few worse. So I must give this week’s Raw..